Thursday, November 7, 2013

Taller than me

Practically the entire world is taller than me at just 5'1' it's not a hard thing to accomplish. I don't mind being short really, I kinda like the package I'm in these days. Now I can admit, it was hard being the shortest in class and being made fun of (yeah kids are mean) but I survived it and I think a lot of my spunk came from those days of teasing. I had to learn to fight somehow, to bite back and so I can pull out spunky little ole me when nice me isn't working well in any situation. It reminds me of High Point Market  this past October when my friend (from twitter) Carissa saw me get my ire up with my mom, she said something like wow where'd that fire come from, what oh what's the word she used something like spunky, or feisty, yeah feisty that is it. I take feisty as a huge compliment... My mom said something and it hit a nerve and I just let spunky me respond. It happens, sometimes even at my age...
All of this is getting  to a point really it is. So here I am 5'1" a mom of a 13 year old boy. All of his friends tower over me, heck even our neighbor Audrey who is a year younger than my son is 5'8" already. I walk into his middle school a little afraid of all the other kids still to this day. I feel like I belong in the principal's office every time I set foot on that campus and that one of those big kids are going to get me... I try not to go to his school, but he has had a few discipline problems this year and I do love his chorus concerts. Although I'm happy to report I haven't had to meet with  the assistant principal yet this year. It's early in the year I know... He came home with another detention notice for... yea none other than talking. I can't imagine where he gets that talkativeness from?
This morning before Sean left for school he said "mom am I taller than you today?" This isn't new, all year he's been hoping to be taller than me. If you think being short as a girl is tough then can you imagine being a boy? I pray for him that he won't get my short genes, and that he will reach his potential height of 6' something one day. I'm sure being in middle school and shorter than all the girls is not fun at all. I know he isn't the first 13 year old to be shorter than all the girls, and it is common at this age, but he is my boy, and I see his struggle.
Back to this morning. He asks again and then we turn around back to back, and before Audrey even says it, I know it, I can feel that he has reached a height taller than me. Yep today is the day my son is about 1/4 inch taller than his mama! It is a big day! If he keeps growing at this rate he will be 7' tall!
But those markers on my kitchen wall are there as a reminder. I see the marks of time passing. I see his growth in height and his growth from a little boy to a bigger boy and on his way to manhood. I hugged him so tight this morning. I told him, "I know in a little while you will have to bend down to hug me, what am I going to do then? You are growing so fast son, right in front of my eyes, how can I stop it? I can't stop it, I can't put a big enough weight on your head to hold you down." As for my compassionate son, this time he didn't pull away, he hugged me back, he held me tight. He must know it too. This marching of time that's happening so fast that it's making my head hurt and I feel like my heart is about to burst. He was my little angel not so long ago. He was the one who helped me wake up and become a better person. Sean is the reason I kept going even when it was too hard to go on for me, he's the reason I want to keep becoming a better person. Yeah I know the world's  answer is to do it for yourself, to get better for you, but I want to heal for him, for future generations of my little family, for his kids and his wife and his children. I want to become the best person I can be because I want my son to be proud of me one day again (when it is cool again to like your mother). I want him to hold me up as an example to his kids like I do my own mom.
my son Sean
My son Sean, I think he looks very tall in this picture! 

Again I find myself writing about my son, about our life, about the real stuff. I don't get inspired to sit down and write as often as I'd like. I keep finding that what inspires me most right now is Sean and the lessons I'm learning by being his mother. I have many other jobs that I take care of like being the brand ambassador for  Help 4 Haiti, Inc, working with my parents in their businesses, writing content, cleaning house, taking care of our Woodstock Market booth and that list goes on... But, here in this moment, after Sean is gone to school, I know what the most important job is for me right now. In the quiet there is no doubt that being my son's mother is the most important job I'll ever have. It's the hardest and most rewarding at the same time. I'm so grateful for my other mommy friends in real life and for the internet including social media(even with all the negative press) because of all the wonderful writers I have found who write about their lives. being a wives and mothers and somehow they manage to reach out and encourage others. I could literally sit around and read great blogs all day from people like Glennon Melton, Ann Voskamp, The Hands Free Revolution, and The Time-Warp Wife, because these ladies get it, they understand that being courageous and sharing our struggles out loud with one another is a great way to encourage each other. I know I am not alone when I read their blogs. I know that I'm not the only one seeking answers and hoping for the best for our children and families in this crazy world we live in. The whole world feels like it is against us these days, so having a little bubble of good words to read makes it better. It truly makes life "brutiful" as G(sorry Glennon but I feel like I know you) says. So I'm inspired to keep writing, even if it's not that great, and my grammar is wrong, because when I write the truth about my life I feel free. And my other hope is that one person will read this and feel less afraid of what is coming next with their kid. That one lady might just feel a kindred to me(as I do to my favorite writers) and be less afraid to love with all her heart, no matter what the cost. This was my status post on Facebook yesterday.
Day 6: I'm thankful for my son Sean! I'm thankful for messy awkward 13 year old life, and that God loves each one of us even in the midst of our messy awkward life at any age. I'm thankful for the lessons I learn each day from my boy and how since the day he was born, I recognized what unconditional love truly meant. That is this: if God loves me more than I love my son, then WOW! What a love that must be! Thank you God for your love for me and Sean today and always!
I'm taking time each day to be thankful ( a joy dare from Ann Voskamp), and yesterday in spite of the roughness and complications that being the mom of a teenager can be God helped me stay thankful. Thankful for the mess for the awkwardness of being a part of a teenager's life. And you know what, instead of being angry when he came home with that detention slip because I had just bragged about how awesome he was on Facebook that day ( has a way of happening like that to me) I remained calm. I was thoughtful with his punishment and super proud of the way I handled it. So Thank you Ann, Glennon and the writers of all the other "mommy" blogs (there are too many others to list) ((which by the way I can't stand that title, so let's think of something sexier ok? )) for being you, for writing real truthful blogs from the heart, for motivating me to be a better mom and for just being willing to share your struggles with me! I am learning every day to do better and thanks to a great community of friends online as well as offline too we are making it... As momastery says (and I quote so often these days people probably think I'm in a cult or something now... go Monkees) "We can do hard things.... together" and don't forget to be "brave and kind".
And then there is this too... Yesterday was one of the first days I remember being absolutely thankful for my past. I've kinda said things like yea it made me who I am, no regrets and so on yada yada, but yesterday morning as I was having my quiet time it washed over me, this thankfulness for each and every circumstance in my past, not just the good stuff, but even yeah even the really hard, stinky stuff and messes I made... Because you see that is truly what made me who I am today. That is who God made me to be.  And loving my irritable, ornery, grumpy, hormonal teenage son is teaching me that if I love my son like this, and God loves us more than our moms, then WOW! What do I have to be worried about my past for? God loves me even when I'm yucky, even when I'm not such a good mom, when I stumble and He loves me even in my failings.  Because really there is no doubt in my mind that no matter how much taller my son gets than me he will always be my son, he will always be that little baby who helped rescue me from my own self, and NOTHING can change the love of a mother, no matter who he becomes or what he does with his life, I know I will love him as much as I do now, if not more as time goes on... Isn't God good to give us daily examples of HIS LOVE for us? Here it is in His word for us to see:  Romans 8:38-39
38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Did you get that list? Do you see it there in His love letter to us? Nothing can separate us from God's love through Christ Jesus! NOTHING! So today be thankful with me, just be thankful for every little thing and most of all be Thankful for God's love for you. It is real and it is healing and a power that changes lives. May hope light your way today! Bondye beni ou! (God Bless you)