Who wouldn't want a rest for seven days of no a/c no sleep a busted up kitchen falling in around me house, smells of dead rat and chipmunk on the regular from the cats cleaning out the basement and the yard. then there is the dog hair and the green carpet which you can never hide the white dog hair from. And to top it off a queen size bed in the Living Room because that is where the a/c unit needs to be most of the day and James isn't moving that thing around any more.
Not after Sean broke one when he was trying to move one in for daddy that we had been given. Yea that day Sean yelled at me for having to go to the bathroom, tried it anyway without me and then he dropped the unit out the window breaking it. It might have been fixable but James never went out and got it, I bet expecting that Sean should do it but never telling SEan to do it. Boys, all of them. Even the animals are male. Male dog and 3 male cats...
I've been over this. It's not new news You want the new news? Well it made me crumple over in laughter just now in the bathroom after I got a look at myself in the mirror. YOu want crazy I thought to myself and then died my h air bleac blonde and then added sapphire blue on top. Not at all k Ning what I was doing or even really following the instructions on the box that well. Fuck it I thought It'll be my way and I need this rebellion, it is just hair and it is my hair and I went away for seven fucking days so fuck everything I want to make my hair blue. This is fun and I see why my sister has her moments. She is locked into medication routine now, because of her antics. Why did I think acting like her would change something for the better.That thought in and of it self is enough to tell you things didn't go well. And while I want to get back to creative writing exercises and all that jazz, for now every single time I try to free write I journal about the events that lead me to seven days away.
D-22 it'll be called in my book I said. That was the painted office number on the walls. Do the nurses even see that number? I cleaned that hall. I cleaned my own room, and bathroom. they were filthy when they stuck me in there to watch. I mean what crazy person cares about if the bathroom is filthy or not. This one did. My hotel or incarceration whichever I choose to call it, well it was worse than a jail cell. I had no idea where I was or why I was there really only that they kept giving me shots and I had bad reactions to this shot. They gave it for anxiety but I was so sleep deprived I was fighting sleep at that point and no drug seemed to knock me out. Until they found Zyprexa and didn't tell me what it was. I took it finally after 3 days no sleep inside. I had to clean that bathroom to use it. I had to move my bed over to think of even getting any sleep on that horrible bed.My worn out 18 year old bed is a damn shame of a bed, but it rocks compared to the piece of shit they call a bed in that place. D-22 my hall, it was filled with nurses and Dr's and assistants and jobs I could've had with a high school diploma, the watchers, the baby sitters. Yea I could've had her job.
Dana one of the watchers couldn't stand me. It was obvious. And she didn't know how to remember anyone's name. Inside those walls it was my job to know everyone's name. Once they put me or rather I finally accepted going into population I made it my business to k now and remember anyone I talked to. I had nothing to do but observe and so as I watched I memorized their names and I was good at it. The other watchers were more kind than Dana. I coulnd't figure out why she didn't like me, but there always seemed to be one, who either played the role of bad cop because sometimes I really felt the roles were mapped out for them in some secret manual. I saw things when I got there. I saw things differently when I left. They can say it was the meds, but they can also say it was my brain. I say it was the sleep I finally got. One night 10 hours of sleep.
I left populations worn out from it, overwhelmed even and they locked me in that private watchable room and covered me up with 10 blankets. And added a heater, thank you Ashley and I slept 10 whole hours. Ashley was hard for me. She was Snow White beautiful and her name just happens to be the one that is the girl at the work that I feared my husband at least had a long conversation on the phone with by the snooping I stooped to at one particularly hard part in our relationship probably a few years ago now. And so I associated this nurse. Associations are my strong suit and inside that place it became my way of navigating the unfamiliar world. I was forced to call home for seven days. Truly thinking about it now that isn't that long compared to the hours of sleep I have lost over the last almost 5 years of my youngest son's life. I cannot count the hours. it is too hard, but when he was born my whole world change, and I didn't go for help I wish I had gotten help after that. The dog became my enemy when we finally got home after a 1q0 day hospital stay. I thought my sweet and loving Brittany spaniel was out to eat my baby alive, he seemed like a wolf not a dog to me. Those thoughts should have gotten me to a counselor, but in this house we don't do insurance and doctors and dentist. We do preventative eating healthy and taking olisl. Not cheap either way , but my husband's family has all but. Been killed by Dr's according to him and his view of life, so we don't pay ahead for insurance when we may never even need it. I wonder how much m y medical bills are now. A seven day stay and a state funded hospital can't be cheap and over night at Kenedstone Hospitla to get me to said state run facility called Riverseide HIlls in Cedartown. The country side is beautiful. That ride up that way was something. My mind was falling out. I had no idea where they we're taking me. My mom and I Had colored pictures in a Looney Toons book together. She had come bac, but my husband hadn't come. No one was taking me out of the Hospitla as I hoped. She even said the picture she colored me was about going to Greece she heard it was cheap to go there. But it wasn't to be. It was all a false dream to comfort me. And so I away I went on a vacation to the mental hospital. Only this time it wasn't a private run hospital cushy, and a place I barely survived a four day stay 21 years prior. NO it was state run, because that is where people with no insure and no money go. Riverside HIlls was nice enough in appearance. But I f you looked inside as I did. Fully insane in one way and yet aware of everything on the other hand, no one would believe her we will give her some good letters after her name and no matter what she says it'll all just be like it was a dream. What do they think about the insane? Should their place be less than, just because of mind trouble. I had sleep deprivation. I was dangerously close to returning to the monster I had been 21 years ago., only I Had experiences, I had stories of my sister and her getting out of trouble with the law. I had her running away and going missing under my belt. I knew the extremes of insanity ... And for a while I was pl.aying aw game. When did the game end and my control lost? When they police came the final time and I was taken to the hospital. When they wheeled me int here and I was calling on every famous person I knew to come and get me out. Even Oprah and Gelennon and my beloved Reese. Witherspoon were not immune to my ratings. One nurse at first I could see her pity and then her sadness that someone like me was going through this. This , this thing that I was going through the was so loud and painful that women are crying it so loudly that I had to turn off the news. I gave up. Morning news shows because women like me are crying out and saying it is enough that we do everything for our men and they get away with raping and misusing us and taking advantage of us and paying useless. And and and. And became my cry on social medial. I lived just enough to of this descent into madness online that I have a pretty good suspicialn most folks think something was up but not sure if they should as me or not.I was not ever suicidal and for making anyone think I was for that I am sorry. But I had to go away. Just as the wind must blow the flames and the fire must spread where God lead sit. I felt like I was in total control of the HOly Spirit at one point. I was out of my mind and thinking Jesus was leading me to his hospital to save it. So I cleaned up. I wrote them an note. Book. I wonder if they kept it. Things changed after I wrote that note book. Maybe it was me who changed, but something changed I saw Achmed as kind, even though I knew his faith was different than mine I made my own shirt that read #LoveWins in sharpie on a plane white T they gave me. I wore borrowed clothes. I wore things from my sister and finally the shoes my husband brought me. The shoes after getting ant bites from goin in the garden barefoot and getting a nasty thing in my foot and pulling it out and. Washing my feet and using tooth paste to clean them. He finally brought me my ballet flats he had bought me and I was better. He showed even though eh wouldn't visit me while I was so crazy at Kennestone he came and brought me shoes. I hung up on h I'm in ther I would talk to him and he'd make me angry and I would just hang up. I treated him horribly. But he brought me shoes and then the next day he brought me my tooth brush and by then I knew I would do whatever it took to get back home to my men. To my boys, house of boys. Yes, but it is my house. I clean it, I wash the clothes and the dishes I do my own laundry and theirs, I keep up with dinners and appointments and bills. I pay the phone bill when he says and the gas bill, I take care of a household of men. I wear the dress and pull the strings
as ATwood says in her book The Handmaids Tale, I watch it on Hulu and it is a picture of a future she hopes won't come true and yet a statement of today and what is true. America is on it's knees to the gods of greed and fear and shame and regret and punishment. The powers of this world are taking us to new lows and the ones rebelling are not helping they are only pushing us further back into a century we don not want to go back to
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