The ugly truth about insecurities

Insecurity what an ugly word! Yet it follows me, it haunts me and often plagues my life with doubt and ruin. Focus on your insecurities and it is a sure fire way to make you and everyone around you miserable! To tell you the truth I am good at it. I want that to change. I would like to be more self confident. I would like to not let every little down moment make me feel as if the end were near. I know the truth about insecurity so why then do I let it creep into my life and make me into an evil monster.

This morning for example, I was feeling low and like my husband doesn't really love me. This is a big no no! He loves me, for sure! He married me after all and puts up with all my shenanigans. He takes good care of me and my son. So why is it that I concentrate on thinking that he doesn't care?

Today is Follow Friday on Twitter. It is one of my favorite days because everyone show's their love to their favorite tweeps. After feeling low when my hubby left for work, I jumped on twitter and began to show love to my favorite tweeps. They in turn show me love back. Something small maybe but it turned my day completely around. Encouraging to say the least! To think that these people are willing to say such nice things about me. WOW!

So what does that say about me? Am I that shallow that I need constant approval from others? How do you find security in yourself? How do you feel confident even if no one is telling you that you are great? These are questions I need to find the answers to. I don't think you can answer them for me. I don't think a self help book or Dr. Phil show will magically fix this issue for me. I believe it is a life long journey to learn who I am and to love myself. First accepting myself for who I am and then learning how to be a better person.

I have always thought of myself as a depressive writer. I have always identified with Edgar Allan Poe!(not that I've ever written anything as powerful as him) You know the kind who only writes anything when they are down. I'd like that to change too! Perhaps blogging will help me with the discipline of writing and help me to learn to write about the happy times as well as the sad times. I'd like to share one of my favorite poems by Edgar with you:

A Dream Within A Dream

Take this kiss upon the brow! And, in parting from you now, Thus much let me avow- You are not wrong, who deem That my days have been a dream; Yet if hope has flown away In a night, or in a day, In a vision, or in none, Is it therefore the less gone? All that we see or seem Is but a dream within a dream. I stand amid the roar Of a surf-tormented shore, And I hold within my hand Grains of the golden sand- How few! yet how they creep Through my fingers to the deep, While I weep- while I weep! O God! can I not grasp Them with a tighter clasp? O God! can I not save One from the pitiless wave? Is all that we see or seem But a dream within a dream? Edgar Allan Poe

My dear friend on twitter Jill (@jm_healy) wrote a blog recently about unconditional love. It meant so much to me. I think focusing on where true Love comes from is a good place to start. Seeing myself through God's unconditional loving eyes has a way of turning my frown upside down. She mentioned the love chapter in her blog from 1 Corinthians 13. That is such a powerful set of verses. Maybe I should begin my day there!

Again, Thank you for taking time to read my blog. I hope by the next time I write to have a happy story to share with you.

Do you ever feel like it is hard to write when you are happy? Are pain and sadness good muses or just companions I need to kick to the curb? Please leave me a comment and tell me what you think! I'm always interested to know who is reading and what you think.

Happy Friday to you all! May your day be filled with sunshine and good times!

Too much to say

I think blogging is difficult for me because I have so much to say. My head is full and my heart is overflowing. So when I sit down to blog my ability to get one done seems impossible.

I think I worry about having the "good content" that is preached about relentlessly on twitter by social media gurus. But, I desperately want to find my voice. I want to have something to say that will make a difference for someone.

Maybe you are struggling too? Perhaps like me you want so much to contribute and take part in the vast world of blogging, but you get stuck too? I have had so many friends give me good tips. Brandy (aka @the_write_girl) said sit down and write an email instead of thinking of it like a school project. She knows I always clam up on school projects, procrastinate, and then rush to get it done. Jason Sadler (aka @iwearyourshirt) the t-shirt wearing guy says he blogs every day. He also does a video and live web show every day. Sounds fun right? Well, it does to me!

So why am I struggling to get it going? What is it then that is keeping me from putting out a great blog? Why do I feel so lost? I know I'm in a sea of large fish, and I'm a teeny tiny minnow. But my friends keep telling me to try. They keep telling me that there is someone who will identify with what I have to say.

So I think keeping my blogs as short as possible will help. I don't think I'm going to try too hard with pictures and backgrounds at first either. I think I will just start publishing everything. Editing as I go and putting what I have to say out there.

Shameeka Ayers (aka @brokesocialite) says she wrote a blog for over a year before anyone but her mother read it. Mom are YOU even reading this? LOL I bet not since she barely likes to check her email.

So what are your thoughts? Do you struggle like me? I love to journal so I figured that blogging would be a natural fit... Maybe the key is letting go and not worrying about what everyone thinks? Dive in and go for it? That's what I'm trying out now...

Please let me know. I'm not giving up just yet! In fact I'm determined to get better and feel more confident with every post!

Thanks for reading! Please leave me a comment so I know what you think...

"the let down"

Have you ever done something that made you so proud of yourself? Then the next thing you know it wasn't enough? This event planning thing is amazing and exciting (which is part of the reason I love it) but I'm beginning to think it's a bit addictive.

I can admit I'm somewhat of a drama queen. After all I was a theater major in college. I do love the dramatic side of life... Events are dramatic and fun. Everyone dresses up and behaves nicely. We all enjoy a good party! But then sometime the next day or week a sudden plummet downward begins. That emotional roller coaster ride starts to hit the bottom. The let down of the party being over.

What's next? ...Is what I keep thinking. How can I do this again,bigger, and better? How can I actually monetize this new passion I have found... Don't get me wrong following my passion is thrilling and rewarding... But I gotta get paid too!!!! I can't keep giving out all this energy and time without some financial gain. I know others are capitalizing on the social media buzz being so hot. So what do I have to do?

My first event was a real learning experience. I didn't expect to make a dime... I didn't. I even had to pay out of pocket for using eventbrite.com and some print marketing. I know big numbers help, but how do you have a free event and make $$$? This puzzles me, but I am determined to find out. Thankfully, I have some great friends on twitter and facebook that are ready and willing to help me learn. It's amazing to me how the community of twitter is so willing to help a newbie like me out! Its fantastic!

So whoever is willing to post a reply to this short little blog about events and the emotional roller coaster ride, I'm willing to give a prize to. I can offer my designer shopping service for one hour free to find something interior design related if you post a helpful hint for me on either how to make $ from events or how to get good sponsors for my events.

Thanks for reading this... Hope to hear from you soon!